Everything is rosy when you begin a relationship. You are in love and certain your partner is the one. Life is perfect. After some time, the rose-coloured lenses clear out. You notice you are easily annoyed with your partner - even the things you used to love about your partner are starting to irk you. You begin to lose touch with each other, both emotionally and physically. The relationship is going down the drain and you want to save it!
According to Russ Harris, we may DRAIN our relationship in five ways. He uses DRAIN as an acronym to unpack and demonstrate the impact of these behaviours on a relationship:
D – Disconnection
R – Reactivity
A – Avoidance
I – Inside my mind
N – Neglecting values
Disconnection:
How do I disconnect from my partner? (E.g., do I get bored, irritable, stop listening? Do I go cold and distant? Do I close off/shut down? Am I distracted rather than present?)
How does my partner disconnect from me?
Reactivity:
How do I react impulsively or automatically, without stopping to consider what I am doing? (E.g., do I yell, snap, swear, storm off, say hurtful things, criticize, blame, accuse, sneer, jeer?)
How does my partner react impulsively or automatically?
Avoidance:
How do I try to avoid or get rid of my painful feelings that are related to the issues in this
relationship? (E.g., do I use drugs, alcohol, food, cigarettes? Do I withdraw or stay away from my partner? Do I try to distract myself with TV, computers, books, or going out? Do I avoid talking to my partner about the issue?)
How does my partner seem to avoid or get rid of his painful feelings?
Inside my mind:
How do I get trapped inside my mind? (E.g., do I worry about the future, dwell on the past, relive old hurts, rehash old arguments, stew over everything that’s wrong with my partner? Do I get caught up in judgment, blame, criticism? Do I get caught up in thoughts of rejection, betrayal, abandonment, or being controlled?)
How does my partner seem to get trapped inside his mind?
Neglecting Values:
What core values do I neglect, forget about, or act inconsistently with, when I am
disconnected, reactive, avoidant, or inside my mind? (E.g., do I lose touch with values such as being loving, kind, caring, generous, compassionate, supportive, fun-loving, easygoing, sensual, affectionate?)
What core values does my partner seem to neglect, forget about, or act inconsistently with?
This exercise can be distressing, yet it’s so important to understand the roles we play in the dynamics of our relationship and face up to act on our issues. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable shows that you are a secure person going through rough times.
If you care about your relationship and want to improve it, ACT today. Any step taken is a step towards building intimacy in a relationship.
If you are unsure what to do next, get in touch with me and reignite the spark in your relationship.
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